Something completely unexpected and wild happened one evening last week in my Alexander Technique teacher training. I had a total meltdown. I could not stop crying. All of a sudden I was drowning in tears. I mean really crying, whimpering, sobbing, tears pouring down my face… Throughout our guided lie down when I took my socks off so I could wipe my eyes with a sock as I felt too paralyzed to get up to get the box of tissues; throughout my table turn, when I felt I was a crying zombie, looking up at my trainer and he looked like an impressionistic painting as the tears blurred my vision and I wanted to curl up and disappear and in fact I was curled up and all crooked on the table; throughout my chair turn when I felt I could at last inhibit and direct well despite the tears. This losing control, this undoing, was a phenomenal occurrence. I understood this, despite the despair and embarrassment I felt at completely falling apart. After the chair turn I went over to the other trainee present and apologized, while still sobbing, telling her I just could not help it. She just hugged me and comforted me. I ran out of the room to really sob and came back in and my trainer just held me and my co-trainee also had her arm around my back…this went on for awhile as I continued sobbing. I cannot know what my co-trainee was feeling as she witnessed my pain. I cannot know what it was for my trainer to work with me as I was continually crying.
And then it all abated. The angst and torment went away. Calmness. We continued on with the class by looking at some anatomy illustrations, doing an activity, reading some of Walter Carrington’s Explaining the Alexander Technique, and some hands-on work. We continued on as if nothing had happened yet everything had happened.
At a moment, after my storm had passed, I took a photo in the mirror to commemorate this profound event. I wanted to be obscured by my phone. Being shy. Hiding. But I wanted to celebrate the washing out. Look! No sign of tears:
I am astounded that this happened to me. How I feel about it all: well I am bone tired…but…bravissima to me! I do understand that only someone who has been through the training can understand what I am experiencing. I do understand that what I am going through might be more acute than what others undergo. I feel like I made a total breakthrough in the ongoing untangling of my dysfunctional psycho-physical self. It takes great courage to want to engender such change. One has to commit to spending mega-time and mega-energy. Of course it is all so very worth it, throughout the highs and lows, and that, dear reader, is a total but total understatement.
In the next training class I felt sheepish but happy-ish. I was tranquil. And hey, I managed to lift and extend my trainer’s (heavy for me) leg pretty well! And I managed to giggle while lifting et al. Putting it back up…well not so hot. Oh that working against gravity! Eh…whatever. I learn as much from my mistakes as from my triumphs. My trainer gave me a thumbs up at the end of the class. As we walked out together, my co-trainee told me that I my crying jag was well-timed. This made me smile so much!
As of tonight, now a week later…well…I am feeling that indeed, everything had happened!